Not All There
by sychofrantic
Summary: Sometimes stuff happens that screws you up completely... but then you just have to get up and start again, 'cause what choice do you have? Some J&H, E&D, but not really shippy. COMPLETE.
1. Ripple

**Not All There**

Disclaimer: Not mine, not me, not I etcetera.

Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Jackie/Hyde (if any)

Warnings: Let's see... angst, rape, drug use, abuse, swearing, a few other things I can't say yet...

Summary: Sometimes stuff happens that screws you up completely, but then you just have to get up and start again, 'cause what choice do you have?

* * *

**Part I: Ripple**

Jackie woke up a few hours later, her teeth chattering and her head pounding. The window had been left open and wind caused her pink curtains to flap madly. She stared at them, her vision blurry. It was still dark out, she acknowledged calmly. Images flashed in front of her face, each indistinguishable from the next, but they all showed the same thing, which she ignored.

"_Hold still, you little…"_

Jackie dragged her hands down from above her head, surprised at the unexpected freedom she felt as she rotated her wrists, but she suppressed that feeling as she ignored the ache that circled around those particular joints. Just as she ignored her semi-undressed state in torn pyjamas, just as she ignored the peculiar way her thighs had to be unstuck from her sheets.

"_You like this, don't you? You like it when I…"_

If Jackie had felt like talking, she would have also ignored how sore her throat was, but Jackie didn't feel like talking, she didn't feel like doing much of anything but closing that window. The journey there created more factors for Jackie to ignore, such as the dull throb between her thighs and dry blood that chaffed her skin. One breast was bared shamelessly, the frayed flannel hanging off it so it glowed blue in the darkness, its only marring a large bruise surrounded by little red dents that would have stung to touch, but Jackie didn't do that.

She didn't speak, she didn't run to the telephone, she didn't look back to the bed, she only walked with one purpose in mind: to close the window. But when she got there, she found she could only look out of it quietly, her fingers stroking the soft pink ledge fondly. A sheen of sweat broke out on her forehead and cheeks and made them shine a little, but that in no way compromised the pale, child-like beauty of her face. Suddenly, she slammed the window shut, turning away quickly before she could catch her own reflection. Her hair curtained over one eye, but she ignored it and marched in the direction of the bathroom.

"_Shut up…!"_

Again, she turned her head away from the mirror as she flicked on the light. She squinted, swayed, ignored the burning in her crotch, and stepped into the shower. Her clothes clung to her body as water ran down it. Jackie's eyes followed the brownish-pink tinted water as it swirled down the drain. It took her ten minutes to realise she was clutching at her hair, her wrists, fuzzed by closeness, were clearly bruised. Purple finger-smudges spattered her skin. She pulled at her hair a bit before letting her hands fall to her sides and closing her eyes. Then, she went back in time a bit, ignored them, and came back with no memory of her bruised wrists whatsoever. Suddenly, she lurched forward, so suddenly that every vertebra in her back shuddered with the pain of it, and threw up.

"_Yeah, you're so ti…"_

She coughed, more hot liquid gushing out of her mouth, then she coughed, and coughed and then she stilled, averting her eyes as the vomit ran along with blood down the drain. Jackie sighed, kneeling down in the now-clear water, and resting her head on the warm tiles. It only took a short while, but soon the water became cold and gentler on her. Her back was a luminous white and goosebumps broke out over her skin and she shivered, but she didn't move. Not when her father came home, drunk, not when her mother came home two hours later, also drunk. In fact, she didn't make any movements until there was a rapping on her door.

"Honey… your father has just left for work and I'm about to go out… are you up?"

Jackie raised her head, staring blearily at the white door that led to her bedroom, and then to her mother. Then, with all the effort she could muster, she knelt up, swiped away the rivulets of water that could slur her speech, and coughed, "I'm…"

"…_coming, I'm c…"_

"…up."

But she wasn't up. Yeah, she was physically up, but she wasn't up in the ways that counted. In those ways, she was still on the floor of her shower, praying to some God she didn't believe in for something that didn't exist. She had applied make-up carefully to her face and body. The puffiness of her eyelids were gone, the bruise on her right cheek was gone, the sparse bruises over her neck and wrists; also gone. She wandered backwards and forwards, humming. Jackie often walked past her bed, her mind not even registering the blood that pooled in the centre of her once pristine pink sheet.

A ringing snapped Jackie out of her stupor. She didn't even realise she had spent the last fifteen minutes staring at herself in the mirror. She shook her head and reached for the phone, clearing her throat.

"Hello, Jackie Burkhart speaking."

"Hey, it's Donna," a husky voice said from over the other end.

She gripped the table, her knuckles turning white, "Donna?"

Donna laughed, "Yeah, remember? Your friend Donna? The lumberjack?"

Jackie relaxed, sinking to the floor, "Yeah, I know… what's up?"

"Are we set for the movies today?"

"Movies?"

"Jeez Jackie, is your brain on vacation or something? We're gonna watch 'The Deep' at the Megaplex in a couple of hours. We agreed on this yesterday."

'Yesterday.' "Yesterday?"

There was a long pause on the other line before Donna spoke up, "Jackie… are you okay? You seem really out of it…"

'No, Donna. I'm not okay; I'm really not okay,' "Yeah, I'm fine, I just feel kinda sick… and I just didn't get much… much sleep…" 'Last night.'

"Man… do you still wanna come? You don't have to if you're sick, and you sound pretty bad…"

"No…" 'Don't leave me here,' "I wanna come… maybe some fresh… cinema air will help." Her friend's nervous laugh soothed her slightly, and her eyes fell shut, "If I only have two hours I better start getting ready."

"That's the Jackie I know and love. Me and Eric will pick you up at 11.45, okay?"

'Eric?' "Alright… bye, Donna."

The car trip wasn't that much of a hassle. Eric and Donna were already in the front seats, so she had the whole back seat to herself and didn't have to touch anyone. Donna kept turning around to talk to her, but she found that there was no way she could meet her friend's eyes and kept her gaze glued to the floor. Most of her answers were just 'yes', 'no', and 'yeah, fine'. Eric may have insulted her, she didn't know. But his soft voice was soothing and she found herself lulled into almost-sleep.

When they got there though, it was more of a hassle. She was sure that Fez made an innocent comment about her appearance, then Steven and Eric bounced burns off each other. But she wasn't too sure. Michael attempted to chat her up as usual, but she shied away from him, pretending to be fascinated by popcorn.

"Ohh, shut down!"

"I was not!"

"Kelso, man, she totally ignored you."

"That's kinda weird…"

"Yeah, what's up with her…?"

Jackie shivered. Their deep, masculine voices were grating on her nerves, making the vein in her temple throb madly. Donna's, and for some reason, Eric's calm presence were the only thing keeping her from pulling out her hair.

"Jackie…"

She jumped, pulling her arm away from the redhead's gentle hand as casually as she could, "Yeah?"

"I got your ticket… do you wanna buy a snack? The guys are getting some now."

"Snack?"

"Yeah, something to eat," Donna explained.

She paused, "No… thanks, no, I don't… thanks."

Donna looked at her oddly and she turned away. She couldn't stand that look. It made her feel stupid. She clenched and unclenched her fists. Donna left her side for a moment, but she didn't notice.

"C'mon man!" someone yelled. Jackie flinched but did nothing, "Jackie!"

'He didn't yell it. Not once.' "Sorry… I'm, well…"

"… _coming!"_

"…Sorry."

But for some reason, the seating arrangements weren't that much of a hassle at all. Jackie, with a quiet resolve, had brought forward the 'Kelso-Hyde-Fez-Eric-Jackie-Donna' position. Donna agreed immediately, but Eric was harder to sway. He didn't want to be seated next to Satan's evil minion and 'The Grabber'.

"What? He grabs candy! I meant candy!" he snapped at Hyde and Kelso's snickers.

But without much persuasion on Jackie's part, and a lot on Donna's, they were all seated in their perfect positions before the previews ended.

"Perfect, yes," Jackie agreed aloud, crossing her arms to disguise another shiver that racked her body.

* * *


	2. Echoes

See Part I for warnings etc.

* * *

**Part II: Echoes**

For some reason, the car ride back was silent. Jackie looked up curiously, to find they were all talking with fervour, but no sound was penetrating her ears. She tried hard to tune in, but she kept hearing the echo, over and over, on and on, it wouldn't stop.

"Be quiet," she whispered. Donna stopped in her conversation and turned to her.

"Sorry Jackie," she said softly, "did you say something?"

"I said…" her voice was shaking with restrained emotion, "thanks for inviting me."

"Oh… well, that's okay…"

"I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, sure…" Jackie's hand slipped into the cool plastic handle of the car as they began to slow near her house, and she froze. She didn't want to get out. "You know, you can come back to Eric's. We're having a session."

"Really?" They wanted her there? Couldn't they see her eyes? Couldn't they smell her skin? Couldn't they hear the echo after she spoke? They couldn't. Weird.

"Sure. Eric, Jackie can come over to yours, right?"

"Hell no," he said vaguely, speeding up and passing Jackie's house altogether.

"I don't know if I have enough stuff for everyone, man," Steven said, turning around to look directly at Jackie. She bowed her head, trying to think of something would say normally.

"Yeah, no, it's funnier just to watch you guys… are funny, kind of…"

"Congratulations Jackie, that was almost a fully formed sentence. And your first for the day, I might add," Eric said with his usual humour.

Jackie shrugged and rested her forehead on the cool glass, not noticing the sharp kick that Donna delivered to the back of Eric's chair. She just looked at the scenery whizzing by and let her hand join her face against the window. It was beautiful, warm, but it wasn't her, not any more.

Despite Steven's warning, Jackie had enough pot to make everything squiggly, but she made sure she didn't open her mouth. Hyped up on hallucinogens, the group were less subtle about their curiosity about her behaviour today.

"So what, did your dad, like, die?"

"I know, your hair-care products seeped into your scalp and it solidified in your brain and became a bunch of complex wires that attached to your frontal lobes and hypothalamus…"

"You wanna get back with me, don't you? You're in need of Kelso-lovin'"

"Ai, I need chocolate. Do you have any brownies?"

But she didn't answer any of them, and their attentions soon drifted elsewhere. She just concentrated on breathing, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, inhale, inhale…

"Oh, shit, I think she's passed out!"

He was touching her again, hurting her. Oh god, stop, stop! His harsh breath in her ears, his teeth at her skin and the pain. The pain all over that wouldn't stop coming.

_//I'm coming!//_

"No!" she gasped, sitting up and vomiting up the popcorn and sip of drink she'd had at the cinema between her feet. Her stomach was empty so she dry retched onto the white piece of furniture. Suddenly hot, she untangled herself from the throw blanket and sprung off her sofa.

With sweat dripping from her pores, she stopped. Where was she? She was in her living room and it was dark. Jackie shook uncontrollably and knelt down, her breathing laboured and throaty. She tried to block the thought of one of Kelso or Hyde or Eric or anyone picking her up, bringing her here, covering her with the sofa blanket, touching her. Against her will. Always against her will.

Her hand began to rhythmically pound on the floor, making a series of dull thuds that barely echoed in the empty house. She yelled and screamed at the soft carpet, trying with all her strength to break through it and have it swallow her whole.

_//I'm coming!//_

"No!" she wailed, scrambling off her knees and without a second thought, she ran out the door. It was dark, but she knew where she was going and nothing would make her to stop. She arrived at the Fordman house, fumbled for the keys in the potted plant and entered. She had no idea why she came here. It was full of bad people who liked to yell at her, but it was kinda like… a safe haven, of sorts. She'd spent most of her life hiding out in the basement than she did at the big, gloomy mansion.

Jackie tiptoed across the lino, her concentration centred on getting to her hiding spot without making a sound. She reached the basement, and without thought, gently opened the door to Steven's room. He'd left the lamp on and his record player was slowly spinning, but no sound came out. She wandered over to turn it off, then slowly approached his bed. Her mind grew more and more blank as she neared, but she kept her eyes trained on his face.

His face was totally relaxed, and that, coupled with the soft glow of the lamplight, made him look like a little kid. He smiled a little and her eyes welled up in tears.

"Oh, Steven," she whispered, "what happened to me?"

She sat down on his bed, careful not to touch him, and just continued to look at him. He looked so young. Was he young? Do people get younger when they sleep? Do they go to sleep and not notice their age lines fading? Their body shrinking? Their hair getting softer?

Once again without thinking, she reached out to touch his hair. It was soft. She was bombarded with memories and she closed her eyes, revelling in the sudden innocence she felt, then something else…

//_Shut up!//_

Jackie jerked her hand away, gasping sharply as if just coming up for air. He barely stirred. She stood up reluctantly, not ready to leave his face, but unable to touch him again. Not yet.

She walked slowly out of his room, shutting the door behind her, and stumbled over to the couch. Her final thought before she succumbed to sleep was almost as loud as the echo: one day, she would touch Steven Hyde. She would touch him and she would feel it. She had to.

* * *


	3. Hollow

See Part I for wanrings etc.

* * *

**Part III: Hollow**

Jackie looked hard at the bible, clenching and unclenching her fists. It had a soft, black leather cover with gold writing and was haloed in a bright white light. And it just sat there, on the glossy table in her dining room, not moving. She made a grab for it, naturally it slid away just out of reach.

"No," she whispered.

She tried again, practically pouncing on the book. It moved faster, once again out of arm's reach.

"No," she whispered.

Now, all precision lost, she scrambled along the slippery table, stretching and clawing and jumping and falling, but the bible continued to move, one step ahead of her, making an ominous thumping sound that grew louder and louder.

"No!" she cried, "It's mine!"

Her fingers brushed the cover as it tipped over the edge, spinning and falling further and further away. She dived after it, but it was too late. It was gone.

"No… it was mine…" she moaned.

"Jackie, man, wake up," a voice said, shaking her shoulders.

"_Shut up!"_

"Get off me!" she shouted, scratching at the hands, "Don't…"

"_Hold still!"_

"No, get off me! What are you doing?! Don't!"

"Jackie, shut up, will you? It's just me."

"_Shut up!"_

"Ste-Steven?" she said thickly as his face materialised before her eyes.

"Nice guess," he said, rolling his eyes as he rubbed at his scratched hands, "shit, you really can scratch, huh?"

She didn't answer, just looked at her feet. The pink was chipping, she should have fixed them up ages ago.

"So, what's up Jacks? You get lost or something, what're you doing here?"

"Nothing."

Pause. "You're wearing the same clothes as yesterday."

She blinked at him and looked away again, "So are you."

He opened his mouth to reply, but everyone bounding down the stairs interrupted him, so he just let it drop.

"Heya guys, whatcha doin' down here all snuggly wuggly?" Eric said in a kissy voice.

"Hi Jackie," Donna said, sitting next to her, "you good?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm good… are you good?"

"Yeah, I'm good," she replied, throwing a despairing glance Eric's way. Eric shrugged, throwing a questioning glance Hyde's way. Hyde ignored him.

"Do you know what we need?" Kelso said loudly, sandwiching himself between Jackie and Donna. Jackie whimpered and pressed herself into the arm of the sofa.

"Well, in your case, a brain that, y'know, actually works."

"No," Kelso scoffed, "we need some circle time."

"Kelso, it's ten o'clock in the morning. Besides, we circled last night."

"Yeah, but…"

"Forget it Kelso."

"Aw man!"

"Steven! Eric! Breakfast!" Kitty yelled, and the pair scrambled up. Hyde threw one last glance at Jackie before they left, but said nothing.

"Jackie, what time did you come over?" Donna asked politely, crossing her legs.

"Early," she mumbled, squirming further away from Kelso and shutting her eyes.

"So I found Jackie asleep on the couch when I woke up," Hyde said, passing along their makeshift joint to Eric.

"Dude… what was she doing on my couch?" Eric said slowly, "hey, did the ground just move?"

He passed it to Donna, who took it gratefully, "Really? Something's wrong with her, guys, seriously. She never talks any more."

"See, from my point of view, that's a good thing," Eric said sagely.

Donna took one more puff and handed it to Jackie, who said nothing. She inhaled, coughed a bit, then continued smoking without interruption. Hyde stared at her.

"Y'know, Jackie, you seem blue. Don't know what it is… hey, gimme that." He snatched the rapidly shortening joint off her and inhaled some, before passing it to Eric.

"Especially in this light… you look evil. Evil enough… to kill! Mwahahahaha! No seriously, her eyes are dark and stuff."

"Eric, you are a loser. Listen, Jackie, I love you, and you can tell me anything. Anything!"

Jackie ignored the joint so Donna shrugged and passed it straight to Hyde, "Yeah," he agreed, "like how naughty you've been, how much you need spanking… tell Donna and I'm sure she'll do anything to help."

Eric nodded emphatically in agreement, "And I'm sure I speak for everyone in this room when I insist you capture the moment on film."

"You realise that if I ever had a lesbian experience, I would never tell you about it, right?"

"Just hearing you say 'I had' and 'a lesbian experience' in one sentence made it all worthwhile," Eric said happily.

Jackie said nothing.

* * *

His name was Quentin or 'Quasi' Matthews. At least, that's what she heard. He was famous for getting really good stuff. Anything you wanted, he could get it in 24 hours. In about five minutes Jackie was meeting him for a 'consultation' around the back of the Hub. She was meant to say what she wanted, when she wanted it and pay cash in advance.

"You're early," he said from behind her, and she jumped three feet away.

"Yeah," she agreed, straightening up.

"You're Jackie Burkhart," he also pointed out.

"Yeah."

"What do you want?"

"I was hoping you could tell me," she said vacantly, "I want some good stuff, helps to forget things. Got any ideas?"

He shrugged, stuffing his hands in his pockets, "Heroin? Could make you forget stuff easy."

Jackie shivered, she was way out of her league, "I was thinking something less…"

"Look, little girl, you don't need a supplier, you need a fucking babysitter."

She flinched, "I don't like needles. How about ecstasy?"

"Won't make you forget, it'll just make you happy."

"Uh… acid?"

He grinned, leaning against the wall, "How 'bout a Roofie?"

"A what? I don't want a dog."

Quasi laughed, she stepped back, "Rohypnol. Helps with forgetting, extra popular with the men. Don't let 'em slip you one though, take it in private and if you use it enough, yeah, you'll forget."

Her eyes glazed over and she nodded, "Yeah, I want that one."

He laughed again, "You got yourself a deal, pretty lady. A hundred and sixty for a month's worth, I'll knock it down to one forty if you pay cash in advance."

She dug into her bag and handed him the money, jerking her hand away as his fingers closed on the bills. He nodded approvingly, folding the notes up and putting them in his pocket.

"See you tomorrow."

She'd snuck back into the Forman's basement for the third night in a row about twenty minutes ago, and she'd taken the pill about fifteen minutes ago with a tiny sip of wine she'd stole from her parents alcohol cabinet. So far nothing had happened.

"He conned me," she muttered, standing up, "I can't believe he… ooh." Her head began to spin and she laughed a bit, "Oh my god, I love that man," she said, falling back on the couch and laughing harder, "Oh jeez, I can't move… oh jeez, oh je…"

* * *


	4. Burning

See Part I for warnings etc.

* * *

**Part IV: Burning.**

"Who am I?" Jackie said to her reflection, before punching the mirror so shards flew everywhere. The tinkling sound was pleasant, so pleasant she was inspired to pick up a shard to examine it.

"Who am I?" she asked the shard. The mirror reappeared and she gasped in shock, as she always did, when her reflection appeared in front of her.

"Hello," she said, "who are you?"

"Shut up."

"Oh," her hand began to bleed, "who am I?"

She raised the shard to her face, dragging it across her cheek. A thin line of blood appeared there. The room darkened, as reality would, and she gasped, dropping the piece of mirror so it shattered about her feet. Suddenly, she was in Steven's room.

"Hey," he muttered, "who are you?"

"Shut up," she replied.

Then, Jackie was back in the bathroom, her face covered in cuts as she continued to dig the shard into her.

"Strange," she whispered thoughtfully, "I thought it would bleed more."

"Too many holes," her reflection shrugged.

"I'm sorry," Jackie said politely, "who are you?"

Jackie woke up with a start, taking deep panic breaths. Her body quaked and sweat began to drip from her pores. She rubbed her face and gasped at a sharp sting on her cheek as her palm made contact. She pulled away her shaking hand and found dried blood covering her hand.

"What the hell?!" Red's booming voice came from upstairs. She whimpered, trying to find a hiding spot. What was going on? Where was she? Her legs shook dangerously as she groped the walls blindly, finally coming into contact with a handle and tugging on it desperately. It gave way and she slipped in, bumping into a vacuum cleaner and banging her head on a low shelf. She crouched down, her hand resting on a box that was familiar. But she didn't want to think about that; she just closed her eyes and concentrated on not making a sound.

"Eric! Get down here now! And Hyde, get your ass out of bed!"

The rumble of footsteps made Jackie quiver in fear, and she pulled herself into a tighter ball.

"Which one of you dumbasses broke the damn bathroom mirror?"

She suppressed a gasp, holding up the hand that had a shard of mirror clenched in it. She hadn't noticed it till just now, and the pain of it cutting into her just registered and she let it drop. Thankfully, it didn't make a sound.

"Um what?"

"You heard me, bean pole."

"Red, we didn't break any mirror."

"Oh really? Well somebody broke the mirror, and because you're the only idiots who live here, I'm gonna blame you."

"Dad, you know that if we did do it we'd be babbling and making excuses by now, but we didn't break the mirror. I swear."

Jackie looked at her fist, stroking the rough patches of newly formed scabs. She began shaking again, her muscles tensing and screaming as she struggled to hold in her cries. A headache approached as she pressed harder and harder into her temples, clamping her teeth together as they attempted to chatter. Drenched in cold sweat, she started shivering violently.

And she didn't think she would ever stop.

* * *

Donna stopped asking about her. The redhead had lasted almost two weeks, of which Jackie was proud. She expected her to give up after the first few days, but Donna kept pushing. She asked, begged, pleaded, goaded… even went as far as to physically touch her, like grabbing her arm or shaking her shoulders. Jackie wanted to apologise for causing her such inconvenience, but her mouth was glued shut. The drugs made her uncoordinated and her teeth chatter, so she couldn't talk without stumbling over her words or saying the wrong thing.

"L-Look," one of her male friends would say if she walked in, "It-t-t's J-Jackie."

"F-F-Fuck you," she would reply, dragging up a chair and sitting on it.

And that's all she would say. But that was after the guys stoped walking on eggshells around her. When I they /I stopped asking about her. They exceeded her expectations by two days. Go team. But they also grew tired of her silence, as much as they were shocked to realise, her constant and cruel bitchiness and her decreasing beauty and fashion sense.

"Wow, those are some flattering tracksuit pants, Jackie!" Eric would exclaim, his voice loaded with sarcasm, "they're almost as flattering as the identical pair you wore yesterday!"

"S-Screw you F-F-Fordman," she would spit viciously, "at l-least when m-m-my parents f-found out th-th-they w-were pregnant with me they d-d-didn't celebrate it with a l-lawsuit against the condom c-c-company."

What would usually follow would be threats, cutting retorts, rhetorical questions and a shaking of her unresponsive shoulders with his long-fingered hands. She would ignore him and eventually the noises would stop, the nausea would stop and she would look around and nobody would be in the room. Then she would climb into the closet, banging her head on the shelf as she usually did and fiddle with the familiar box until she finally opened it and took out the unmarked foil container and sampled its contents.

Then Jackie would forget for a bit.

She'd forget that she foraged through the Fordman's laundry to get clothes, forget that she hadn't showered in over a week, and forget that she hadn't eaten in two. But mostly, she wanted to forget about herself. Forget Jackie Burkhart. The one her friends found so easy to hate, her parents found so easy to leave and everyone found so easy to hurt.

Meanwhile, in the present, Jackie feigned sleep on the couch while the gang sat in the circle and got high.

"Should we wake Jackie up?" Donna said thickly, through a mouthful of spongy brown cake.

"Naw, we don't want Sucubitch polluting our session."

Kelso laughed, his bloodshot eyes making him squint, "Hehe, yeah. She's a bitch. Bitchy bitchy beeeeetch!"

"Guys, she's right there!" Donna scolded, swaying from side to side.

"I don't care, HEY JACKIE, YOU'RE A BITCH!"

Jackie lay unmoving, digging her nails into her palms and squeezing her eyes shut tight.

"Cut it out, man," Hyde said, "you'll wake her up."

"I don't care," Eric lied.

"I don't know," Fez sighed, "why does everything come back to Jackie? She used to be hot and now she disgusts me. It is depressing."

'Oh nooooo,' she moaned in her head, tensing as she tried to keep tears at bay. Why did she stay out here? Why didn't she go in her closet? Her mouth was dry, her fingers itching to pick up the smooth pill and shove it down her throat. It had been too long. But they hadn't left like usual, so she was confined to the couch until they did.

"Eric?" Kitty called, "Is there any washing up down there?"

"Shit!" Eric whispered, throwing the bong at Fez for him to hide and in a scramble of limbs Jackie was tugged upright and squashed between Eric and Hyde and she whimpered in pain as dizziness accompanied it.

"Shh," Eric whispered in her ear, his hot, pot smelling breath making her shudder.

"And so, I was like 'Mom, I can't quit the maths club, it's too important…'" Kelso trailed off, turning to face Kitty, "Why, hello there Mrs Fordman. You're looking radiant!"

Jackie's vision continued to spin and her head lolled backwards, only to have a cool, papery hand press against it.

"Jackie dear, you're burning up!" Kitty cooed, her voice worried, "Are you alright?"

She squirmed away, trying to lift her head, but it was so heavy… "Y-Yes, I'm f-fine!"

"Don't talk to my mom that way!" Eric growled, and she jerked away from him.

"I'll talk to her…" she breathed, struggling to get up, "however I…"

'_Not me, not me, not me, not me…'_

"However I…"

'_Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me…'_

"I…"

'_A pill, get a pill!'_

"I need…" Her hands began shaking and her breathing began to grow harsh and raspy. She jerked up, her arms lashing out and her neck muscles convulsing up vomit as she swallowed it at the same time. Hands attempted to restrain her and she screamed, lashing out on anything she could. Voices were yelling, swirled into one so they didn't mean anything. And the echo… the echo was deafening.

"Don't… look at me!" she wailed, "_Don't_…!"

Then it went dark. The kind of dark where she couldn't feel anything. The good kind of dark.

Jackie was home.

* * *


	5. Wasting

See Part I for warnings etc.

* * *

**Part V: Wasting**

Kelso was sitting with the others in the waiting room. All the panic had vanished from everyone about two hours ago, and since then it had been Dullsville. But it was pretty cool, they'd been allowed to drive real fast behind the ambulance. And Donna, who was sitting opposite him and Fez had fallen asleep and her slack-muscled sprawl had allowed the two to get a pretty good view of ocean blue panties. But then she'd woken up and crossed her legs, and now Kelso was bored.

"Mrs Forman, I'm bored," he moaned, squirming in his seat.

"It shouldn't be too long now, seizures aren't usually that serious, but when she hit her lip…"

'Woah,' Kelso thought, 'there's a bug on the carpet!'

"Mitchell!" Kitty shrieked, jumping up and approaching the doctor hastily.

"Oh, hello Kitty. Are you family?"

She rolled her eyes, "No. We called her family but they weren't home. We brought her in."

"Who?"

"Jacqueline! Jacqueline Burkhart."

"Oh, yes," he coughed, "I can't really divulge…"

"For god's sake, Mitchell!" Kitty said angrily, "we've been here for two and a half hours worried sick! Please, from one professional to another, just tell me what's going on."

He gave in reluctantly, and she dragged him over away from the teens' earshot to explain. Kelso nudged Fez.

"Hey man, thumb war?"

"Kitty," Dr Mitchell Anderson began quietly, "Are you familiar with the drug rohypnol?"

"It's benzodiazepine, isn't it? A-A powerful sedative." The implications were already reaching her and her hands began to shake, "she's not… she hasn't been…"

"No, see, that's what's most peculiar," he interrupted, adjusting his wire-rimmed glasses, "the symptoms and blood test suggests an extended voluntary use. Which caused the seizure, including the evidence of past seizures that haven't been treated." She said nothing, and he cleared his throat uncomfortably, "What concerns me most Mrs F… er, Kitty, is some other injuries I found during the examination."

"Other injuries?" she prompted.

"She's showing obvious signs of malnutrition, mutilation and scarring, insomnia and brain damage… most of them self-inflicted."

"Oh dear…" she said faintly, feeling bile in her throat.

"She also has bedsores on her back and developed some spinal damage. Did she live with you?"

"…no, she…"

"Because this implies a poor sleeping place, and coupled with the muscle relaxants in rohypnol created the bedsores and muscle tissue deterioration. She also has evidence of physical abuse on her breasts, wrists and vaginal area, each almost a month old. Do you recall her mentioning any inci…"

"No… no… she didn't… say anything."

"Oh… I see. Well… she'll be ready for visitors in about ten minutes or so, but try not to crowd her or ask her questions."

"Yes…" she heard herself say, as she also watched herself wander over to where the others sat waiting.

"Mrs Forman? What happened? Is she okay? Are you okay?"

She let out a shrill, nervous laugh as she sat in a nearby chair, clasping her hands in her lap, "Oh, she's fine. She'll be ready for visitors in about…"

"Uh, mom? Can we go, we're not really…"

"She'll. Be. Ready. For. Visitors. In. About. Ten. Minutes," she growled dangerously, making them all edge away from her slightly, "and then you'll go in there, tell her you love her and that you're there for her, and… can SOMEBODY GET HER A FRICKIN' BALLOON OR SOMETHING?!" she finished with a shriek, and Kelso volunteered immediately, running away in the direction of the gift shop.

"And that, my friends, is my mother."

But nobody else moved.

The room was a soft white, soothing music echoed, the smell of flowers filled her nostrils and she didn't have to move. Jackie was in hell. She longed for darkness, longed for her pill that seemed so far away, longed to get away from the mirror across from her that showed everything that she'd become. Closing her eyes brought back memories that she couldn't forget without her pills.

And people kept on coming in. Coming in and having the nerve to look at her while she was like this, their eyes bright with pity. Those fucking morons dared to touch her, but she did nothing. Just stared insolently up at them when they asked her politely to pass something, or move slightly. But she wouldn't do anything they told her. Ever. They weren't the boss of her, they couldn't talk to, manipulate, touch whenever they felt it was necessary. Nobody was ever touching Jackie ever again. Never, never, never.

"Ms Burkhart, you have some visitors," the kind nurse whispered through a gap in the door.

Jackie stared blankly. That's right bitch, you're not getting anything from me.

Seconds later, the room was full of people. Their eyes were different from the rest. They looked almost… bored. Maybe I should put on a show for them, she mused, her lips twitching. Jump up on the bed and do a backflip and hit them all in their stupid little faces. Her arm jerked slightly at the thought.

"Look Jackie, your friends!" Kitty said eagerly.

'What? Where?' Jackie couldn't muffle a bitter laugh, grinning at them even as her lip split beneath the gauze attached to her face.

"Hey Jacks, I bought you this," Kelso said, his voice shy as he held out a large helium balloon. She turned her head away, there was something wrong with how bright it was. It didn't belong here.

"Get it out," she whispered, her rarely used voice hoarse and tired, "get it out!" And, oh god the noise! She covered her ears and moaned, her eyes shut so tight. She wanted to feel something other than this, this thing that had consumed her. No memories of hatred or anger or love, just this withheld knowledge, this feeling that she could know something if she put enough effort into it. If she pushed hard enough.

Hands. Hands. Hands.

"Hands!" she cried, writhing away from the appendage in question, "Hands! Hands!"

"Well spotted," a sarcastic voice said, followed by a scolding.

"No," she moaned, "don't hurt the boy."

Heavy flesh, just pressed into her. She kicked it off. Vermin, covered in it.

Meanwhile, Kitty attempted to restrain Jackie as she thrashed dangerously. Tears ran down the older woman's face as she yelled for assistance. Three doctors filed in, pushing the kids and Kitty out of the way as the held her down and injected something into her arm.

"No, no, no, no!" she screamed, each 'no' growing quieter, "there's a thing… and… the mess with Jackie… don't forget…"

"Out. Now."

"But Mrs Forman…"

"Out."

They trudged out, throwing uneasy glances at each other as a heavy silence settled. When they reached the van, Hyde turned to Kitty while the others watched.

"Mrs Forman… what was up with Jackie?"

She clenched her teeth, "It's not my place to say," she answered shakily, but resolutely.

"But…"

"Jackie will tell you when she's ready," Kitty said firmly, "all you have know is that she'll be fine… with help."

Jackie bit viciously into her hand as she tried to smother her cries. It was cold and pitch black and she couldn't stop shaking. She was surrounded by nothingness and that terrified her. Just a blank hollow that she recognised so much it made her gasp in fear whenever she thought about for too long. It was engulfing her, covering her. Her injured lip bashing into the metal bed frame and blood gushed out from under the red-soaked gauze, coating her teeth in the salty hot liquid. She buried her face in the pillow and screamed, pausing only to take a breath as nails dug into palms and her head almost exploded in agony. But she could make no sound that would make it past the threshold of the door. The men would come and touch her, injecting her with that stuff that made her dream and remember everything.

Jackie didn't like needles.

* * *


	6. Decay

See Part I for warnings etc.

**

* * *

**

**Part VI: Decay**

It's eight o'clock or later. Jackie knows this because visiting hours stop after eight and there is no way Steven Hyde would be visiting when anyone else would. She doesn't question why she knows this, all she knows is it's dark, there's no noise and Steven is standing over her and she's not afraid. How could she be?

"Steven," she whispered, "what are you doing here?"

He smiled slightly, "I wanna take you outside for a bit. Get some fresh air."

She dragged the blanket to her chin, "B-But Steven, visiting hours are over and I'm not allowed to leave and…"

"Sh, don't worry about that. I took care of it. No one'll find out, you just have to be back before dawn," he explained, holding out his hand.

"Okay," she breathed, her smaller hand slipping into his warm one as she clambered out of bed. Jackie blushed, "I must look a mess…"

"Nah," he muttered, "you look beautiful."

She blushed harder as he dragged her out of the room. The hospital hallway was deserted, and their tiny footsteps echoed too loud in the silence. He led them along expertly, his only acknowledgment of Jackie's presence a slight squeeze of her hand every few seconds.

"Where are we going?"

"Outside. Just to get some air," he replied.

The journey was taking too long and Jackie began to get edgy as they passed the same water cooler twice, "We're going the wrong way…"

He shook his head, "No we're not. We're going the right way."

"But…"

"Don't ask questions!" he shouted, making her start.

"Sorry," she murmured, trying to subtly pull her hand from Steven's grip. It wouldn't budge.

"It's the right way… the right fucking way. Don't talk back or I'll hit that smart mouth right off your face!"

"I didn't mean it," she whimpered, trying to pull her hand loose, "let me go… I heard something, I have to go back…"

"Shut up!" he yelled.

The hood of Steven's car. He was on top of her, his large pop spilt into her hair about ten minutes ago but neither cared as they kissed frantically. He tasted like cherry and spit.

"Mm, Steven…" she moaned softly.

"Don't say that," he grunted painfully, raising himself up to look at her, "It's not what you think."

"What…?"

"Gotta look past the fear, Jacks," he answered, "past."

"I don't…"

"Hold still!" he shouted as he pounded into her, again and again. This can't be real. This isn't real. Jackie Burkhart, Jackie Burkhart, Jackie Burkhart. Bad things don't happen to Jackie Burkhart. They just d…

"_Shut up!"_

It's impossible. She's rich and pretty and special, she's not some kind of…

"_Whore!"_

"Person who this happens to. She has things and feeling and thoughts. Pink things. Happy things. Happy thoughts. Happy places. Not here, not here, not here. Not her. Never her. Never your…"

"…_so fucking tight…"_

"Never yours. Never but hers. Not but hers and her own and not yours. Yours or not yours not and not hers any more but not yours and never won't be special or pretty or Jackie Burkart ever again. Jackie's no special girl, like what that lady said. Never with the thing and the mess with Jackie. Not a name…"

"_Jackie…"_

"Not a name…" she moaned in reply, twisting away from the voice.

"Of course it is, silly, it's your name," the voice continued, causing Jackie to open her eyes.

"Mommy?" she whispered, her limbs shaking.

"Yes honey, it's me. You don't have to be scared any more," she whispered, stroking a clump of hair from Jackie's eye.

"No… more, yeah?"

"That's right." She scooped the tiny girl's limp body up into her arms and held her close, "you're coming home with mommy and daddy and we'll take care of it. Promise."

She wrapped her arms around her mother weakly, letting out a relieved sob, "Mommy… I missed you," she inhaled Pamela Burkhart's perfume. It smelt like lemons.

"There, there… you don't have to be scared."

"Mrs Burkhart, I urge you to reconsider," Dr Mitchell Anderson said desperately.

"What**ever**," Pam replied, looking at the mirror in her compact.

"This won't be good for her, she needs long-lasting help, she needs psychological treatment, she needs…"

"Blah, blah, blah, I've heard it already. All she needs is rest, and she can do that at home," she flicked away an invisible speck of dirt on her cheek before closing the compact with a snap, "my daughter doesn't belong in a loony bin."

"A loony bin?!" he sputtered, "Mrs Burkhart…"

"Dahhrling!" Pam exclaimed, interrupting him to talk to someone over his shoulder. She pushed past him and approached a man who looked like David Cassidy about twenty years older with a filofax.

"What's the problem here?" he asked in a deep voice, giving his wife a peck on the cheek and wrapping an arm around her waist.

"Well," she whispered loudly, "this quack was trying to put our little Jacqueline in a nuthouse…"

"A mental health clinic, Mr Mayor," he countered tentatively, "and it's for her own good."

"Our Jackie in a loony bin?" he barked with laughter, "that's ridiculous. We're taking her home right now."

"I can't in good conscience…"

"Then don't do it in good conscience," the Mayor said dangerously, "because rumour has it that that good conscience is going to cost a perfectly respectable doctor his job."

Silence hung in the air until Dr Anderson coughed, "Um, of course Mr Mayor. I'll get the papers for you to sign."

"Wise choice," he said coldly, "and while you're at it, why don't you get my daughter as well?"

"Mommy… 'm cold," Jackie slurred, the sedatives they'd given her weren't wearing off any time soon.

"It's okay, dear, we'll get you home soon."

For some reason, it hadn't occurred to Jackie that home wasn't a warm, cramped closet in the Fordman's basement with pretty white pills in a shoebox.

"Home," she giggled, her head falling back to gaze at an unrecognisable woman pushing her wheelchair and looking ahead stoically. She jerked her head towards her mom.

"That's right," Pam sang, leaning closer to Jackie's ear, "don't worry. The help cleaned the sheets; it looks as good as new. No one has to know."

Know what? Know what? Nothing to know.

"Okay," she replied quietly, "that's okay."

"Goody. Daddy's just waiting for you in the car, won't he be pleased to see his little girl, hm? Looking so pretty as usual."

Jackie looked down at her bony hands. They looked as if they had been scrubbed clean with medicinal alcohol. The thing that possessed these hands wasn't… couldn't be pretty.

"Sit up straight, honey."

She tried to, but it felt unnatural, so she let herself hunch over: wardrobe style, and fall into a drug induced asleep.

"C'mon dearie, swallow," a voice instructs calmly. She does as instructed, swallowing the two blue pills, but the water ran uselessly down her cheeks.

"Where am I?" she asked thickly, prying her crusty eyelids open.

"Home."

"Where's my mom?" She's waking up now, only enough to register where she is. "This isn't right. Where's my mom?"

"She's just coming in a second. She's bringing soup." The nurse turned her back, fiddling with a bag of something.

"Why am I here?" She kicked off the sheets, and looking between her pale legs she saw it. Blood. There was blood.

'Blood!' she tried to scream, but she didn't have a voice. Terror was wrapping its clammy hands around her neck and squeezing hard. The nurse saw her distress and rushed over, saying stupid things of no consequence.

She let out a howl as her eyes flickered around the room. Bed. Mirror. Window. Door. Open window. Open door. Her cries escalated into a bellow that sounded like a wounded animal.

"It was here!" she gazed wildly at the clean sheets in confusion, "I can't be here! Save me! Someone save me!"

"Jackie!" her mother shouted, carrying the steaming soup over to the desk and setting it down. The mirror. It had to go.

"What the hell did you give her?" Pam hissed at the nurse, who stood to the side uncomfortably.

"Prozac… it makes her aggressive for awhile but she should…"

"Will everybody please stop screaming!" she screamed, scrambling out of bed and slamming herself into the wall. "You whore! You can just shut the hell up!"

"Jackie…"

"Shut the fuck up!" she screeched, "how can you ever look at your face…" she looked into the mirror, "how can you ever look?" She whimpered softly, looking at the steaming bowl of soup with a sad expression on her face. "I'm so, so sorry…"

She picked up the bowl of soup and slammed it into the mirror. She heard a shrieking and felt arms tug at her as she clawed at the splintered glass with bloodied nails. Pieces of distorted Jackie were either knocked off the frame or smeared with blood as her fingers scraped it away. A sharp pain got her in the spine and she jerked as her knees sagged forward. She moaned

"Put her back on the bed… and close that damn window!"

* * *


	7. Vanish

See Part I for warnings etc.

* * *

**Part VII: Vanish**

"It's been hard, you know Molly? Really hard," Pam said, her cheeks hollowing around the cigarette. She straightened a perfectly tweezed eyebrow with her thumb.

"I know, Mrs Burkart," Molly replied, holding an icepack over the bruise in her arm that was shaped like a tiny fist.

"No, but… really hard!" she exclaimed, "My poor Jackie…"

"It's such a shame," the nurse agreed.

"Isn't it, though?" she sighed, "you should have seen her bed before, Molly. It was so awful. There was blood everywhere…"

"I can just imagine."

Pam let out a hollow laugh, "I don't think you can. It was like, blood. My Jackie's blood. Y'know like when your life stops for a bit and you can't think?"

"A tableau?"

"Yeah! One of those… I went to him first though," she said 'him' like it was a disease, "he was so calm, like it didn't matter and stuff. But I guess he was hurting. He fixed everything up and made a few calls and bam, Jackie's home…"

The nurse nodded, not really understanding why Mrs Burkart was talking to her about god knows what.

"It's…" she began quietly, before pausing, then starting again, "Jackie shouldn't be lying in a bed where her blood used to be… but she can't leave, you know that, right?"

"Of course."

"So…" Pam drew little patterns on the table with her fingertips, "I would be very, very careful who you told about this. I mean, we don't want someone to take her away from me now, do we?"

"No, I…"

"No because, some people in this big ol' world, would see what we're doing to her as… not right. You follow me?"

"Yes, I do."

Pam nodded approvingly, stubbing out her cigarette, "Jackie's staying with her mommy… she doesn't belong anywhere else. But I don't want incidents like last night happening again…"

"With all due respect…"

"I don't want incidents like last night happening again. Keep the situation under control, and you'll be rewarded, if you don't… eh, not so much. Are we clear?"

The nurse swallowed, "Of course Mrs Burkart, I'll just…"

"Yeah, why don't you?"

Molly stood up slowly, placed the icepack on the table and headed to the door, but was stopped by her boss' gentle voice, "It's been… really hard, Molly. So hard."

Molly's mouth twitched, "I know, Mrs Burkhart."

"_I knew you'd be here…" his hard, coarse voice made her eyes snap open._

"No," she whimpered, trying to move away but she found herself stuck.

"_A little on the skinny, half-dead side but… still pretty. Still pretty little Jacqueline… still a little tease," he mocked, moving closer._

"Please, please, please…" she babbled.

"Sorry dear?" Molly asked the quivering girl.

"Please go, please don't, go, please, please…"

"_Begging? I knew, deep down, you wanted it. I could tell by the way you…"_

"No, no, I never wanted it… go, don't… please go."

"_Liar," he hissed, looming over her dangerously._

"No, I d-d-d-don't p-please go, leave I don't w-w-want it…" she moaned.

The nurse ignored the babbling girl as she emptied a vial of soft blue liquid into a syringe slowly.

"_Ask her…" he said softly, "ask her what she's doing."_

"What are you doing?" she said quickly, startling the nurse.

"Oh, well… _I'm just gonna make you feel real good, baby," she replied._

"Stop it," she said firmly, "leave me alone."

"_But. I. Don't. Want. To," he whispered, pulling out a knife, "You ever seen one of these before?"_

"N-No, I…"

"_You've never seen a knife before?" He suddenly looked angry, "you'll sit there, in front of me, tell me you haven't seen a knife before? You'll lie and tell me you haven't seen a knife before? You've seen one Jackie, tell me!"_

"I-I…"

"_Liar!" he yelled, jamming the knife into her arm._

"Hold still," Molly muttered as Jackie strained against her bonds. The tiny brunette screamed and screamed as she emptied the syringe into her bloodstream. The nurse withdrew the needle quickly before reaching for another with a yellowish liquid inside, which she then proceeded to inject into Jackie's hip.

"_Can you feel it?!" he yelled, getting in her face and pushing the knife harder into her hipbone._

"I feel it! I see it! Please stop!" she wailed. The leather straps held the teen relatively still, but that didn't stop the third and final needle that slipped into her jaw from shaking side to side.

Suddenly Jackie's mouth went slack and he smiled in satisfaction, withdrawing the knife .

"_I think you get it," he said, pulling off his shirt, "now you and me… we're gonna have a party."_

Jackie's throat worked desperately and her eyes squeezed shut, but she didn't make a sound. The only noise was the gentle rustling of the sheets as Molly left, closing the door quietly behind her.

When the straps were removed, the limbs they held stayed motionless. Molly quickly de-clothed the helpless youth, forcing herself to stay neutral as Ms Burkhart's dangerously thin body was revealed to her. She picked her up and cradled her now shivering form.

"Mo-om-my… cold," she whispered, her voice still thick with anaesthesia as she clung to the nurse's shoulders.

"Shh, now… I'm going to give you a nice hot bath, how does that sound?"

"Like…" But she'd already drifted off somewhere and here eyes held that glazed look that Molly was really beginning to hate. But she pushed that aside and lowered Jackie into the steaming bathtub, "Eek…"

The nurse laughed, "Yes 'eek' indeed. Is it nice?"

"Mm-hmm," Jackie said, grinning. But it was that empty, drugged grin that made Molly flinch.

"Don't be alarmed dear, but I'm going to give you something while we wash up, 'kay?"

"Yes," she said, her voice slurred.

"Good…" She withdrew two white pills from a tiny jar, and placing once between her thumb and forefinger she moved it towards Jackie's mouth, "Come along, eat up… that's a girl… and just one more…"

Soon, as planned, the girl was giggling like mad. The water rippled around her as her body shook and Molly couldn't help smiling at how happy she looked as the nurse cleaned her up with a soapy sponge.

"I like unicorns, do you like unicorns?"

"Yes, very much."

"So do I, isn't that funny?" she laughed, flicking around the water. "Funny, funny, funny… oh no…" The nurse froze in shock. She recognised that look that had suddenly filled Jackie's eyes. Clarity.

"You…who?" she stammered, "oh my god… get me out of here!"

"You know I can't…" she tried, pushing down her fear.

"I don't know…" She almost sighed in relief as the girl sank, up to her shoulders, in the warm bath. Jackie glanced at her indifferently before small mumbling escaped her throat, "…away from that thing… very astute… hands. Hands." She looked at her own. Wrinkled. Barely there. Inhuman. Jackie didn't stop talking. Molly scooped her up, laying her back on the bed and dressing her carefully. Jackie didn't even move as she re-attached the restraints. Her eyes slipped closed and she continued to murmur softly until another voice interrupted. Her eyes flipped open.

"_Hello cutie," he said in that voice she knew too well, "back for more, are we?"_

Jackie screamed. The leather straps vibrated. Molly hummed a gentle tune as she filled three syringes. Jackie continued to scream.

Two days later, Pam found herself back in the dining room. She revelled in the quiet, closing her eyes and letting herself get lulled into an almost-sleep by the humming of the refrigerator in the other room. Idly she hoped she'd gotten that intimidation thing right the other day. Her Jackie wasn't going anywhere. Nobody would take Jackie away. At least, that's what Richard said.

"She'll be fine," he had murmured, gripping her shoulders gently.

"But, back in that bed… I don't know… shouldn't we…"

"Her home is safe, she knows that…"

Pam has stifled the insane urge to laugh. Out of all people, Jackie was the one who knew that the least. But instead, she just nodded submissively.

"I've taken care of it. Hired a professional, but… I need you to do something for me."

"Of course I will, you know I will."

"Good. She doesn't know what to do. Tell her how much we want Jackie here… tell her how certain people would not want it… tell her not to be one of those people. You got that?"

She'd got it. She'd also gotten her daughter and tied her up in a bed where she was raped. Closing her eyes against the guilt, she rose steadily just as a sharp knocking sounded on the door.

"Marita," Pam called out tiredly, but rolled her eyes as she realised all the help but Molly had gone home for the night and wouldn't be back for another six hours. So she went to open the door herself.

"Can I help you?" she snapped, just as a high-pitched scream echoed from upstairs.

"Uh, we're Jackie's friends…" the one with the floppy brown hair who she vaguely recognised said. She knew his name started with an M and he'd been around here once or twice. There were four others, buts she paid them no mind as she narrowed her eyes at the one who spoke.

"Well, we're busy right now," she said loudly, trying to block out the screams, "come back later."

"But…" he continued. She slammed the door in his face.

Pam screwed up her face, holding her fists against her temples a slow rumbling began to work it's way from her stomach to her throat she made a loud frustrated noise before punching the wall. She frowned at the dent in the soft pink wall. The shadows almost made it look red.

"Oh my god, I have so gotta get out of here," she muttered, snatching her violet cashmere coat off the hook and grabbing her car keys from the hall table. "Molly!" she shouted in a rare moment of silence, "I'm going out… you'll be fine, won't you?"

Not waiting for an answer, she breezed out the door and slammed it behind her. Not noticing the crowd of teenagers hiding behind her neighbour's hedge and watching as she climbed into her car.

Pam fixed her hair in the rear-view mirror.

Jackie's friends waited.

* * *


	8. Forever

See Part I for warnings etc.

* * *

**Part IIX: Forever**

Kitty smelled like medicinal alcohol. No matter how many years she worked here, she could never get used to that smell. It made her nostrils itch and her eyes water slightly. The only thing that she found worse than medicinal alcohol, was blood. The worse thing about smelling blood was there had to be a lot of it for you to do so.

There was the strong smell of blood in her basement closet.

She cleaned it out herself, of course. After doing all her regular house cleaning and cooking, she spent a few long moments on her hands and knees, scrubbing at the lime green carpeting with Roger's Carpet Shampoo. As she was drying it, she noticed there was still a soft rust stain that could mean anything to anyone else. But nobody else had smelled it.

She never forgot that smell. Whether it was when she was removing a young mother's afterbirth or sterilising and scrubbing a tiny cheerleader's body excretions. But right now, Kitty was only concentrating on removing the turpentine-like smell from her fingers.

It had been a long night.

"Going home, Kitty?" Mara, a fellow nurse, asked enviously.

"Well, yes," she replied, "I just want to visit someone on the way out."

"Visiting hours are over, Kitty. They end at five on a Sunday." Her voice was firm, but it held a mocking tone which Kitty caught.

"You won't tell, will you Mar?" she said conspirationally. Mara grinned.

"'Course not." She shrugged, "you might wanna hurry, though. The Great Impotent One is doing his rounds soon."

"Thanks," she said quickly, "See you tomorrow."

She was delivered a nasty shock when her eyes were met with an empty bed. After a few moments of a blank mind, she began thinking of reasons why the bed was empty. It was unlikely that she'd been moved, or that she'd run away… but that only left one thing, which was…

"Kitty?"

"Mitchell!" she exclaimed, jumping and laughing nervously.

"What are you still doing here? You should have clocked off five minutes ago."

"Well, I… I was just going past here on my way out… what happened to the Jacqueline Burkart? Was she, er… moved?"

The doctor blanched, clutching at his clipboard defensively, "That, Kitty, is none of your business."

"But I…"

"It's time for you to leave. Goodbye," he snapped, stalking off.

She shook her head in confusion, wandering down to the front of the hospital.

"Old bastard," a high-pitched voice said from her right. Kitty looked at the source of the voice, before smiling tentatively.

"Hello, Linda," she greeted, approaching the record keeper.

"Hi Kitty!" Linda replied, "how's tricks?"

"Not bad… do you know anything about the Burkhart girl?"

She scoffed, "Oh, for sure. She was released."

Kitty paled, "Released?"

"Chuh! Full bill of health. About 24 hours ago." The blonde nodded, her curled hair bouncing.

"But… she wasn't…"

"I know!" she whispered, "word is that she bribed her way out…" Linda leaned back, looking at her nails, "or she slept with Mr Impotent."

Kitty was speechless for a moment before swallowing, "Um… was she released to her parents?"

"Yeah. Her mom came and picked her up. Took Molly with her too." Linda wrinkled her nose, "No idea why, though. We need Molly here."

"Mmm…" she replied, "Yeah… I have to go now, Linda. Thanks for the talk."

"Oh, no probs!" Linda bubbled, holding out a little jar, "want a mint to tide you over?"

"I wouldn't ask you this…" Kitty said slowly, "if it weren't for the extenuating circumstances."

Eric just blinked.

"It's really important… Jackie's in trouble."

He wished he could hear the story again. It sounded like an episode of Charlie's Angels.

"You want me and Hyde…"

"All of you, if you can." Her voice was quick this time, also holding a note of pleading.

"To break into Jackie's house and get her out," Eric finished, his tone unimpressed.

"Yes, that would be wonderful."

He knew something was up as soon as his mom got home the night before. She'd dragged Red upstairs and they spent an hour in there. The rest of the gang had pressed their ears against the door, but all words were whispered except for Red's occasional yelled obscenities. Kitty had come out red-eyed and red-faced, his dad had come out pale. And Kitty had started the dinner without a word of explanation.

"Mom, it's not like I don't want to help Jackie," he said honestly, shifting in his seat, "but what you're thinking… kidnapping, breaking and entering, stealing medicine from the hospital… it's illegal."

She glanced down uncomfortably, thinking of the various medicines she had stored in the bottom of her closet in an icebox. It had taken her entire lunch hour to get only a week's worth.

"I can't force you to do this…" she sighed, her hands twisting on her lap, "but if you knew…"

"Can I know?" he said suddenly, "I mean, if I'm going to be doing this…"

Her head shot up, an odd mixture of anger and hope in her face, before it settled on being resigned, "Don't repeat this. You have to promise me."

"I promise, I swear," he said eagerly, leaning forward.

"Jackie was…" she bit her lip. Hard. "Raped."

He opened his mouth to echo the word 'raped?', but it stuck in his throat. He looked down at the lemon yellow table, frowning.

"When?"

"About two months ago," she said sadly.

He rubbed his face once, then twice and blinked again. "In her bed?"

Kitty sniffed, nodding.

"And they… have her there?"

"Y-Yes…"

He glanced at her and looked down three times consecutively before running a hand through his hair, "Should we do it tomorrow night?"

She offered him a half-smile, "Wait until Pam goes out."

"Guys, I don't know about this," Donna whispered, "I mean, I'm all for helping Jackie, but what if we get caught?"

"That's why we need you here," Eric said softly, rubbing her arms reassuringly while gesturing to her walkie-talkie.

"I, for one, think this is exciting," Fez declared, "it's like an episode of Charlie's Angels."

"That's what I thought!" Eric said eagerly, before cutting himself off sharply, "Now remember… me, Hyde and Kelso are going in. Fez, you have to stand over there." He pointed to a flowerbed along the side of the house. "If you see that woman get up or turn on her light or anything, turn your flashlight on and off twice. If you see Jackie's mom coming, only turn it off and on once. Donna, if you see either of those, contact me on my walkie-talkie." Eric couldn't help the authoritative rush of power he felt and he grinned smugly, "We'll retrieve the target."

"You're a moron, Eric," Hyde said tiredly, "are we gonna do this or what?"

"Yeah… let's do this," he said in a so-very-not James Bond accent, "Fez, go to your post."

"Aye, Aye," he said, doing a quick salute before traipsing his way to the flowerbed.

"Bye baby," he said, kissing Donna on the cheek before they crossed the lawn towards the front of the house.

"Where's the key?" Hyde whispered to Kelso.

"I dunno."

"You don't know?! Then why did you say you knew a way into Jackie's house?"

"I do!" he said defensively, "up the grating on the side of the house. It goes right to Jackie's window. She never locks it."

It was only Eric's face, shielded by darkness that turned into a grimace as he thought about what could have happened. He muttered an 'okay' and they ran around to the side of Jackie's house.

"I'll go first," Hyde said, "wait 'till I get there or this thing'll fall off."

The other two nodded and Hyde began to scale the grating.

Jackie was wide-awake, but she didn't dare utter a sound. Last time she did, the nurse had come in with syringes that made her face and neck numb so she couldn't scream. Sometimes she imagined the ceiling was moving. Especially if she stared at for long enough. Sometimes she imagined other things, too. Like voluntary movement. Then she wished she was back at school or in the middle of things but not lost. Was there anything outside this room? Questions like that often left her tired. But not tonight. Tonight she'd had trouble opening her mouth without biting at her tongue viciously. It filled her mouth like a ripe fruit and she longed to swallow it.

There was a familiar disturbance at the window and she flinched. Tried to cover her eyes but had no control over her arms. And in a moment of sanity she wondered why she never even attempted to lock the window. But that was soon lost as a long, jean-clad leg stretched over the frame.

"Not me, n-not me, not me, not me, not, not me, not me, not me…" she whispered, almost like a silent prayer as her hands pulled harder on the bonds. A rough gurgle in the back of her throat made her head throw itself back. She clenched her teeth, trying to wiggle away. More than she had before.

And she cried. Deep cries, that rippled over her body and made hot water splash over her cheeks. She tried to close her legs, but they were still stuck. She tried to curl up into a ball, but she was still stuck. Spread out. Ready and open. Waiting.

"It's okay," a voice soothed.

"Huh?" she whimpered. She couldn't… there wasn't anything that would change… it. What was going on? He wasn't the type to… do this. She didn't think.

"It's gonna be okay. We're getting you out…"

"Y-You don't do that…" she whispered, daring to look. It didn't look like him. "Eric?"

"Yeah, hey Jackie," he said sheepishly.

"Hey, Eric," she murmured.

* * *


	9. Forever II

See Part I for warnings etc. This part is a bit choppy, but I like it.

* * *

**Part IX: Forever II**

"How are you?" he asked stupidly.

"Oh, you know…" she slurred, blinking owlishly up at him, "seen better days."

His hand raised itself to her cheek and he cupped it gently. She was too stoned to move, but not to stare up at him in awe.

"We've come to, er, rescue you," Eric explained awkwardly, removing his hand from her face. Jackie grinned.

"I knew," she whispered, breathless with emotion, "I knew someone would come for me…" A soft giggle, "I knew…"

"It's okay…" he said reassuringly, "we've got you. Now relax…"

Jackie hadn't noticed how tense she'd been, the leather straps were taut and quivering, but she couldn't get her arms to stop pulling. She tried, but it made her shoulders ache.

"I can't," she said softly, biting her swollen tongue, "I can't, I can't, I…" her voice hitched, "I'm sorry."

"Hey, no, it's okay. We'll get you out. Don't worry, you're safe now."

It wasn't until she was held close to a warm body that whispered comfort into her ear and stroked her hair that she almost partly believed him, and allowed herself unconsciousness in his arms.

"I don't want you to panic, Jackie." A soft voice drifted from somewhere in the dark. "I'm here to help you."

"Help me?" A small giggle made it's way out of her throat, "You're here to help me?" The hypocrisy was unbearable.

"I know what's happened. I'm here to try help," the soft voice explained, though not very well because Jackie still had no clue as to what was going on.

"I know you are. You always are," she sighed dryly.

"Jackie…"

"Shut up, okay?" Jackie snapped, sitting up on the bed, her eyes wide with fury, "Don't tell me what I am or what I'll be. Don't think I don't know what's in your hand because I can…"

"Jackie?" Jackie's eyes snapped open and she looked around.

"What? Where am I?"

"Jackie, don't panic… It's me, Kitty," Kitty explained softly, not an idiot enough to try approach the frightened girl.

Jackie's left hand flew to her right wrist and she rubbed it thoughtfully, "where are the restraints?"

"They're gone. This is a different house. You're not in your room any more."

Her eyes finally registered that the walls were a soft blue, not a bright pink, "then how will you hold me down?" she asked, genuinely puzzled.

"Jackie, I won't. Nobody will. I'm going to help you. We all are."

"We?" she asked, her eyes darting around, "Who's 'we'? Are you all in on this… did you _plan_ this?" her eyes stilled and narrowed on the older woman, "did my… my mother put you up to this?"

"No, of course not. She doesn't know."

"What ever she tells you, it's not true," Jackie said quickly, throwing off the cover. She really had to stop falling asleep before she found a hiding spot, "she's a liar."

"I know, but Ja…"

"You talked to her!" she spat incredulously, throwing the blanket in Kitty's direction, "what is this? A test? Are you testing me for something?" She ran up to the wall and knocked on it sharply, "Hello! I figured it out! You can go away now." She turned to Kitty, "And so can you."

"Jackie!" she said sternly, "Stop. This isn't a test. I'm trying to help you. You need to relax!"

"Why? What do you want?" Jackie edged along the wall towards the door. Oh, god. Why was she always getting herself into these situations? She was so close to the door… Kitty sidestepped in front of her.

"I think you should sit down."

"What do you know?" she screamed, trying to shove at the women but ended up clutching at her shirt, "You talk, and you talk, and you try to explain but it never helps. It never justifies _anything_!" She growled and finally shoved the woman backwards a step.

"I know you're feeling hurt right now. Please calm down."

"See! Right there!" She pointed wildly, "You think you know. You think you can say whatever and I'll like, bend to your every command, is that that it?" Jackie pulled at her hair a little and moaned, "You're wrong. You're so wrong…"

Her harsh breathing echoed throughout the room until she suddenly lashed out and leapt onto the older woman, sending them both to the floor. "I trusted you! I trusted you!" she wailed, trying to get her hands on anything, scratching and punching and screaming, "I trusted you!"

"I know!"

"You don't! You don't!" She rolled off Kitty and crawled away, "I trusted you and you… you bastard!" She curled up into a ball and sobbed, "you weren't supposed to… Steven."

Kitty's eyes widened but she stayed immobile.

"I tried," she whimpered, "you know how when you try and you just don't quite…" Jackie shuddered, "and I knew him. He was right there! I could've…"

"Shh, now… you don't have to say anything."

Jackie didn't realise how tense she was until she finally relaxed, her eyes sighing closed. "Thank you. Oh god, thank you."

* * *

"How is she?" Red asked solemnly. 

"It's too soon to tell," Kitty replied, "I gave her a light dosage of the rohypnol to ease her off it, so she's sleeping."

"Did she say anything about the incident?"

Kitty looked down, "I need to talk to Steven."

"Why?" he asked steadily, "did he have something to do with it?"

"I don't know," she answered tearfully, "Jackie seems to think so. But I just can't believe… but she wasn't lying. But this is Steven…"

"Don't panic. She's not right in her mind, it could've meant anything…"

"But she looked so… betrayed." Kitty looked down, "I hate this," she said childishly, "I hate that I feel so helpless and knowing that if somebody had just noticed that she would even have a chance of healing, and now…"

"And now?"

"Now, I'd just be happy to catch whoever did it and skin them alive," she said slowly, her tone laced with venom, "even if it was Steven."

* * *

_"Jackie, wake up…"_

Her eyes flipped open, "Who's there?"

"It's Hyde."

His voice was deep, husky and angry. She recoiled away as sharply as she would have if he'd struck her, "You can't be here," she said shakily, "you can't be here."

"Really, then why am I here?" He was approaching her slowly, his voice growing louder with each step, but not as loud as the roaring in her ears. His reply to his own question was blocked out by her hands smothering her ears. All she heard was muffled noises and she prayed that that was all she would hear aside from silence.

'_If I can't see him, he won't be here…'_

He grabbed her arms and tugged them away from her ears, but she kept her eyes squeezed shut as her prayers were once again ignored.

'_If I can't see him, he can't see me…'_

"I'm here, I said, because Kitty talked to me today. About you."

'_If he can't see me, he can't find fault…'_

"About you and me… look at me, Jackie!" he demanded, shaking her. She complied obediently, though her stomach rebelled and jerked beneath her skin.

'_If he can't find fault, then he can't blame…'_

"Why do the Forman's think I… hurt you?"

'_If he can't blame, he can't know what to see in me…'_

"Answer me!" He forced her to look at him, and she noticed a bruise on the fleshy part of his eye forming so she let her own eyes close.

'_If he can't know…'_

"Jackie!"

'_Can't know…'_

Her head was heavy with blood, but he cradled it easily as it flopped away from him, " Jackie, _please_."

"Got cold hands." She held them out to him and her head lolled onto his shoulder as he began to rub them. "This won't make up for it," she said suddenly, and he paused.

"Make up for what?" he asked quietly, "Jackie, what did I do?"

"You didn't do anything," she sighed, tugging her hands from him, "You let him… you didn't save me, Steven. You never saved me."

* * *

"Now, I'd just be happy to catch whoever did it and skin them alive," she said slowly, "even if it was Steven." 

"What about me, Mrs Forman?" Hyde asked, shuffling into the kitchen and grabbing the box of Chocolate Pop-tarts from the cupboard.

She gripped the chair in front of her and flexed her fingers, "Steven, I want to talk to you… about Jackie."

Hyde flinched and fumbled with the silver pop-tart wrapper. That was enough incentive for Red as he flew at his pseudo-adopted son with an unholy bellow, landing a punch right in his eye.

They wrestled for a bit before Kitty tugged her husband off Hyde and stared down at him, "Hyde," she said firmly, using his surname for the first time, "what did you do?"

"What? I didn't do anything!"

"Really?"

"I didn't, okay? I don't know what you're talking about."

"Did you hurt Jackie?"

"What?!" he repeated, louder, "No! I swear I didn't do anything! Ask her yourself."

"We did," Red said tightly. There was a pause.

"She said…?"

"No… not exactly, but…" Kitty was sounding uncertain at this point, just as Red was rubbing his fist regretfully. Hyde looked down, his eye burning where he'd been punched and anger boiling up in him.

"I swear," he said, his voice restrained, "I never touched her."

Silence reigned until Hyde was told quietly to "go to his room". On his way he stopped at the stairs, resentment still hot in his throat. He was going to pay Jackie a visit.

* * *


	10. Breathe

Final Part. See Part 1 for warnings etc.

* * *

**Part X: Breathe**

"Make up for what?" he asked quietly, "Jackie, what did I do?"

"You didn't do anything," she sighed, tugging her hands from him, "You let him… you didn't save me, Steven. You never saved me."

"What?"

"You. Never. Saved. Me." Her lips drew back over her teeth in a sneer, "And why would you? Who'd save this?" She shoved her hands in his face and flexed them before letting out a sharp sob, "Why am I so inhuman? Why can't I be right?!"

He grabbed her hands in his own and placed a soft kiss on them, "Jackie," he begged, his breath warm on her thumb, "tell me what's wrong. Please."

"I told you," she said quickly, shaking off his hands viciously and scrubbing them over her face, "please don't ask any more questions."

"No, you didn't. Jacks, you didn't tell me anything." He tried to take hold of her hands again but Jackie held them out of his grasp.

"Don't," she whispered, trying to wiggle back and turning her head away from him.

"Don't what?"

"Don't talk to me like that…" She felt sick, her next sentence was spat out like vomit that left the acrid taste in her mouth, "like a _friend_."

"But I…"

"Shh, shhh," she whispered, letting her fingers slide over his lips, "no more lies." Her nails dug into his chin a little before her hand fell away, "no more 'darling' no more 'I love you' no more 'hold still' okay?" Desperate. She was desperate.

"Jackie," he said roughly, his voice holding a sharp edge, "did someone… touch you?"

She looked away and back in quick succession, "He loves me," she insisted.

"I know he does," he said, admittedly being a little patronising, "but did he touch you?"

"I-I-I…" She suddenly grew furious, pushing him away and scrambling off the bed, "I said stop talking to me like that!"

"I'm your friend Jackie!" he said, frustrated as he followed her off the bed but kept his distance.

"_Friends_ don't let other _friends_ get raped!" she screamed, before her hand slammed down so hard over her lips the tang of blood filled her mouth and her head jolted back. The sentence hung in the air until it filtered into Hyde's ears and cold fury filled him.

"Jackie." His voice shook uncharacteristically and he swallowed to gain some control, "did you…?"

"No!" she yelled through her palm, her fingers still dug into her face, "no don't say it, Steven, please…"

"Jacks…"

"He loves me!" Jackie said wildly, now holding out her arms to physically push what he was trying to say away from her, "he loves me!" 'There won't be fault, can't be found, not a name!'

"Did he…?"

_"Jacqueline?" Orange light streamed into her room and she sat up in surprise, only to sigh in relief when she saw who it was. "It's hot in here. Should I open a window?"_

_"Okay," she said sleepily, "what's wrong?"_

_"Your mother," he answered bluntly, gripping the windowsill as he stared out into the night, "she won't let me near her."_

_"Oh," she replied uncomfortably._

_He snorted in some kind of agreement, "She's a beautiful woman, Jackie, like yourself. But do you know what's inside her? Ice. Nothing but ice."_

_Jackie pulled to sheets to herself, scandalised, "Daddy, don't talk that way…"_

_He rushed to her side and she yelped in surprise. "You're different. So young… and warm," he whispered this with alcohol laden breath, his hand snaking forward to hold her wrist gently._

_"Dad, don't…"_

_"I haven't made love in weeks," he groaned desperately, and seemingly irrelevantly._

_"Ew! Like I care? Go away dad, you know how I get when I…"_

_"Don't sleep," he finished, his eyes flashing, "I know." His grip on her wrist tightened and she whimpered._

_"Dad, you're freaking me out," she said frankly, entertaining the thought of grabbing her Care Bears lamps and smashing him over the head with it._

_He looked regretful, "I'm sorry, darling, that certainly wasn't my intention."_

_She looked down to where her wrist was still held prisoner, and her stomach hollowed as she whispered, "then… then what do you want?"_

_"I love you, sweetheart," he said softly, not answering her question and just… pushing._

_"Dad?" she questioned, her voice trembling._

_"Shh, shhh," he soothed, "hold still now…"_

_"Get off! What are you doing? Get off!"_

_"I'm not going to ask again."_

_"Mmmphmmphh!"_

_"Shut up!"_

"…rape you?"

She took in a sharp breath, the air was cold as it filled her lungs before coming out in a scalding rush.

Inhale, exhale.

Jackie looked down at her hands, wondering why they had puzzled her so much before. Why they looked so wrong. She knew why.

Inhale, exhale, inhale.

"It's such a stupid word," she whispered weakly, "so lame and stupid." Looking up at Hyde she gasped in shock as her knees buckled under her. "It happened, it did happen, it happened..." she cried, over and over, unrelenting and unwavering, even as Hyde gathered her up in his arms and held her. So close. And it didn't hurt. It felt… it felt.

In the darkness, Jackie breathed.

* * *

Kelso knew something was up. He didn't know exactly what, though. He knew that even though Jackie was staying with the Forman's in Laurie's old room, Mrs Burkart had called him on several separate occasions and asked him if he, Mark, had seen Jackie recently. He was told by Eric to say 'no' and not embellish or exaggerate any other details. And surprisingly, he managed to do that, receiving a pissed off, "well, bye then" in reply.

He also knew that Hyde had been acting weird. He was even more stoic than usual, even when Kelso purposely said something idiotic as bait. He also visited Jackie a lot and talked heaps with Forman's parents.

And speaking of that, he also knew that they wouldn't let him visit her until today, which is why he was so nervous. When they'd broken her out of her house, he didn't see her very well in the dark light, but what he did see kinda shocked him. She'd gotten so skinny, and when Eric couldn't carry her any more, he'd handed her to him and she was so little and light, he could imagine throwing her up in the air and catching her without any trouble. Hyde persuaded him not to with a quick burst of violence.

But now he was standing outside her door and he couldn't quite bring himself to go through that door as easily as he'd climbed through her window. Wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans, he swallowed and turned the doorknob.

He'd expected it to be dark and dank, like that prison he'd seen on Barnaby Jones the other night. It wasn't. Light streamed through the open window and Jackie sat, her brow crinkled in concentration as she played solitaire. She looked up in alarm as the door creaked but managed a smile in greeting.

"Hey you," she said softly, clearing her throat. Despite the bags under her eyes, and the deep hollows of her cheeks, and the breasts that were practically non-existent now, Kelso had to admit silently to himself that he'd never seen anything sweeter.

"Hey," he returned, "you're looking good."

She touched her hair self-consciously, it hung down to beneath her shoulder blades and frizzed, but it shone with being newly-washed, "I feel like a yeti," she admitted, "I've never had my hair this long, and now I know why. But Eric's mom said she'd cut it for me later so… yeah."

He managed to hold back his surprise when she didn't preen under the attention or nod in knowing acceptance, then rewarding him with a 'well, duh!'

"Can I play?" he asked quickly, receiving a small smile and a nod for his efforts.

"Sure."

Yep, something was up. But Jackie was fine, so he kinda found he didn't much care and concentrated on totally rocking at snap.

_Fin._


End file.
